How can I be more curious about this?
Welcome to the 2nd edition of the Coltino EngMan newsletter! We’re still workshopping the name, but we have some excellent articles for you this week that I hope will help you in your journey. I particularly think you’ll enjoy the productivity tip and quote sections below! To help add some personal touches I’m experimenting with a section on books I’m reading, personal activities I’ve been up to, and a “state of the newsletter” to give an idea of where I’m taking this. Please share what you’re reading, listening to, or working on! :D
📚 Read This Week
I read about 40 articles this week, and here are the few I felt worked for Engineering leaders!
One Hundred Mondays by
You are going to likely see many articles in this newsletter by Michael Lopp, who writes and maintains Rands in Repose. His essays on engineering management helped me immensely to understand the strange beasts that are managers when I was but an eager Software Engineer, and have continued proven invaluable.
This article in particular covers a very interesting idea about getting stuck, and how Michael operates in that environment. When enough time has passed and the challenge is immense, he chisels. He takes a little piece off. He’s not sure how to get to the end, but he knows that if he starts small and just gets one step closer, then he can take another, and another, and eventually get to where he wants, even if there isn’t a path. This won’t be the most optimal route, but if the alternative is no progress, then a bit of chiseling here and there is not so bad. This resonated with me as it’s basically my approach to the newsletter. I don’t know what I want the end state to be, but I know I want to write and share what I’ve learned to help others! So I chisel.
I find the minimal viable next step, and I do it. It’s not hard, it’s not lengthy, it’s just a step that obviously fits into the project. It makes sense, so I do it. Completely. If I’ve done it wrong, I attempt it again. And again. And again, until I believe it’s complete. It’s finished.
Then I do the next thing.
Is this the right next thing? I don’t know. Does this fit into a grand strategy? No. Is there an actual strategy in play? Not really.
“Desired End State” - Use It, Love It, Elevate Your Game with It by Jimmy Ho
Speaking of end states, Jimmy helps us give clarity in our plans and roadmaps by using the concept of a “desired end state” with plenty of Taylor Swift references! It’s hard not to love Jimmy’s writing, and this article actually goes into real depth with useful examples, which I super loved. He discusses how this can help you as a manager, including how to empower your team to use it effectively!
Taking Decisions in Engineering Teams by
Week two of including an article by Nicola, but when I read this I couldn’t help myself. Here we learn how to approach decision making in engineering teams. I am currently working to form better decision making for my team, so this article was on the nose. I had never heard of DACI for example, although we already use RAPID in some cases. Lots to consider and noodle on!
🎧 Listened or Watched This Week
How to Build a Technical Strategy That Solves Business Problems | CircleCI CTO, Rob Zuber [59 minutes] from
There are a lot of really refreshing lessons in this episode, with a strong emphasis on connecting with your customers. While aimed more at the CTO, Director, or VP level, the lessons here are universal. Understanding what your senior leaders care about can make the difference of getting the support you need (or not). If you’re new to management I would give this one a pass (lots of other areas to grow in first!), but if you’ve got the hang of the basics this is a good listen.
🧠 Productivity Tip of the Week
Say no more often
This may be the most powerful tool in your arsenal as a manager, the ability to say no.
Nothing frees up your time more or gives you more opportunities than saying no to something. Every yes is saying no to so many other things you could be doing, and once you’ve committed it can sometimes be expensive to say no later. It is common for junior managers to fill up their calendar to bursting and still say yes to more meetings. “Oh sure, I can meet. Let me just move things around…”
Every yes is saying no to so many other things you could be doing
What we all (hopefully) learn over time is that saying no is kind. Saying yes to something that puts your other commitments in danger is unfair to all the yes’s you’ve already given. Saying yes to something that you can’t deliver on time is going to break trust and cause harm. You need to say yes sometimes, but make sure you understand what you’re saying no to as well. You may need to delay something else, cancel something, or you may just be putting yourself in a less flexible position. It is always a tradeoff.
saying no is kind
It’s hard to say no. Your engineers, your team, your manager, your PM, your org, your company, your network, your friends, your family, they could all benefit from your work and your skills, but you can’t help everyone, and so you need to choose and be discerning with what you commit to.
Remember that you need to help yourself too, and if you say yes to everyone else, you have said no to you. We live in an age of self care, and I hope you are already well equipped for the world that demands so much of you, but if not let this be one more voice in your corner screaming: Say no to things, and take care of you. You can’t help others if you run yourself ragged. Take your lunch break, go for a walk, and take some intentional time off once in awhile.
Say no to things, and take care of you
Saying no is a skill, so don’t be harsh on yourself if you have trouble saying no. One valuable way to look at this is to ask, what would it look like if it was easy? Since saying no is a skill, here are some ways I think about improving my ability to say no, and making it easier to manage my time:
If you’re uncertain, delay a response. Be precise about when you’ll respond.
Seek help. A mentor or journal are great ways to challenge your struggle.
A good therapist can help you navigate why it’s difficult for you to say no, especially if you find yourself saying yes and immediately kicking yourself because you wanted to say no.
No is a valid response on its own, a reason can invite negotiation. If there is no negotiating, be firm at the outset to save everyone grief. This is kind, though not always the best option (see tips below).
Make sure you maximize your cognition. Being tired, hungry, unhappy, or having any other needs can make it harder to make decisions and thus say no. Sleep may be your number one piece of empowerment to saying no more effectively.
Build up frameworks for decision making so it takes less mental effort to say yes or no. You can also do this as a team for how you prioritize. “We care about developer velocity, this project doesn’t help with that, so we are going to pass”.
Say no to the request, not the person/team.
This will help reduce guilt, and remind yourself there is a person on the other end (likely one you want a positive relationship with). Build trust with them by saying no in a good way.
Regretting a yes? Reflect on it as soon as possible. Write down your thoughts or discuss with a mentor. Why did you say yes? What was the impact? How would you have liked to say no?
“I said yes to this meeting when it wasn’t valuable for me to be here, I will say no next time”.
I ensure I have a prioritized view of my goals so that I can see if a request fits. If I have to get my engineers feedback for their level calibrations, and someone from another team asks to meet, I’ll make sure we schedule it after this critical work is done or decline. Meeting new people is important, but it can be delayed by a week or even months in some cases if it frees me up to finish my necessary work.
Already knowing how long things will take is a huge boon here! If I’ve time-boxed my work and put it on my calendar, it’s that much easier to say yes or no to new things.
I’ve learned that I cannot always say no and that’s also okay.
If the CEO asks me to do something, a straight up no is not going to be a great idea. However, we can get creative with our no’s in a way that is very constructive. This could be an entire article on its own (writes that down), but here is what I might do “Yes we can do that, but it’s going to have X, Y, and Z impacts. We can take on this initiative, but I’ll have to stop A and B, or we need to have additional resources or staffing. I may need to consider a few other things, but does that sound like the right tradeoff for you with the stated scope?”
Again this is super simplified, but “Yes, but…” is a great way to say no, just make sure you are being genuine. The point is not to sneak in a no, it’s to make sure that the high-authority stakeholder has the necessary information / context so you are empowering them (managing up, another important topic we’ll get to later).
Another creative no is to offer alternatives.
“I can’t attend this meeting right now, but I can send my tech lead, she’s been looking to learn more about your team and this would be a great opportunity for her to grow in some good areas. Does that work?”
It is common for people to ask for what they think they need, but there may be a better alternative. Get curious and work with them on it!
Setting boundaries ahead of time makes it much easier to say no to anything outside of the boundary.
I set a hard limit of no meetings past 4:30pm, so when anyone adds me to a meeting I will auto-decline. Not only does this make it easier to decline meetings after 4:30, but it removes any mental load of me making a decision. I don’t ask myself “ah maybe I can make an exception, my calendar is kind of full I can understand how hard it is to meet with me…” it’s simply not on the table. There are other strategies to making it easier for people to meet with me, besides ruining my work-life balance.
Practice being comfortable with discomfort. If you’re worried about disappointing someone, acknowledge your feelings and remind yourself that it’s impossible to please everyone, and that saying no is required for your well-being and success of your other commitments. This is a great thing to work on with a therapist who can remind you to take care of you.
For the leaders (and I include engineers who operate in the leader mindset), empowering your team to say no will help you to say no more, because you have to lead by example.
On that beat, if you’re a manager and your team has said yes to something they shouldn’t have, that’s a great coaching opportunity! Make sure to lean in with curiosity (see quote section below!) to understand why they said yes, and give your context for why you think it wasn’t a good idea. We haven’t discussed giving good feedback yet, but focus on the facts and don’t make it an accusation. “In the meeting earlier today we told Team Omega that we’d finish the project spec by next Tuesday. This is very risky because Monday is a holiday and our tech lead is on PTO for the rest of this week. My concern is that if we don’t deliver when we said we would, Team Omega could lose trust in us. What can we do to improve the situation?” vs “You told Team Omega we’d finish the spec and it’s impossible! What were you thinking!? Did you not even look at the calendar???”
“Thank you for the opportunity”
This is a common meme in our household (our kids tell us this when we ask them to clean up and they are saying “no way in hell am I doing that, Dad”), but it’s important to be gracious if only because it can really make it easier for you to say no, “That’s sounds like a great opportunity for our teams to work together! We currently don’t have the staffing to commit to this project for next quarter, let’s chat next month and see if things have changed”. As always, be genuine. Don’t delay a no if you already know, but if you would actually consider under different circumstances this is better than “no”.
From DRiVE it recommends having a “don’t do” list, things that sap your energy or waste your time. What you don’t do is often more important than what you do, do. 💩 That might be something to consider, though I can’t recommend it myself.
Good luck!!
💡 Quote of the Week
“How can I be more curious about this?” by James Clear
When faced with difficult situations, this thought has saved me. Instead of getting mad, instead of trying to fix, instead of crying about the unfairness, I ask myself to be more curious. Gather data. To think.
It turns difficult challenges into growth opportunities. I have used it successfully in 1:1s with my engineers when they bring hard problems. Instead of offering solutions, I ask them “how can you be more curious about this?” This is particular useful for high emotions and big feelings, but it’s not a panacea.
My favorite facet is that it doesn’t require any expertise, anyone can be curious about anything. The next time you meet someone who intimidates you, I want you to get really curious about what they do and ask if they’ll share there knowledge. Bump into the CTO in the lunch line, “what sort of challenges do you solve as the CTO that would surprise me?”
Curiosity can also buy you time. In a 1:1, a hard conversation can surprise you, and you may need some time to collect your emotions before moving forward. Your favorite engineer (not that we pick favorites…) says she is interviewing elsewhere. Panic! “Oh that’s surprising, I had no idea. What led you to interviewing? How’s it going so far? It’s been awhile since I prepared for interviews, how do you prepare?” These curious questions are much better than “WHAT!? YOU HAVE BETRAYED ME!” even if that is your initial feeling. Dealing with hard conversations is out of scope of todays issue, but curiosity is one tool I would recommend you consider.
Another example I want to push on and I’ll drop the topic (for now), is when a high authority stakeholder is making any sort of request or demand. If you want to say no and push back, it’s better to lean in with curiosity. Understand why they have that view. Ask yourself (and perhaps them) if they have all the correct context. “We could shut down this project and refocus, but here are some of the costs/impact associated with that course of action you may not be aware of…” You will definitely learn some valuable lessons, but make sure to listen, not just share your context. You don’t want to get defensive, you want to arm yourself and share the right things.
📖 What I'm reading
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I finished reading You Look Like a Thing and I Love You by Janelle Shane, which was a great short take on the weirdness and pitfalls inherent in our current set of AI tools and algorithms. It gave me a lot of appreciation for how far we’ve come with GPT models, and more weariness with how I evaluate the future.
I’ve started reading (and kind of finished, some supplementary chapters to go) DRiVE by Daniel H. Pink. It’s okay. A lot of the content here I’ve picked up elsewhere, but it’s a good reminder of different forms of motivation, and I did highlight a few key quotes to reflect on. I also started reading If This Book Exists, You're in the Wrong Universe. I’m only 20 pages in but I already feel it’s going to be another epic book in the series.
Since this is the first time I’m adding this section to the newsletter, here are the books I’ve read this year to catch everyone up!
More Than Two
Feel Good Productivity
Zoey Punches the Future in the Dick
How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
Thinking, Fast and Slow
The Magicians Land
Butcher & Blackbird
The only ones super relevant for this publication would be Feel Good Productivity and Thinking, Fast and Slow. I would recommend them both, though maybe a writeup of why at a later time.
🏋️♀️ What I'm working on
Besides this newsletter and a new and improved reading habit, I did maintenance on the 3D printer (I have a Prusa MKS3+) and got it up and running. I printed a wall mount for a Joy-Con charger and it was a perfect fit! Now the Joy Cons are far away from the children, but they can be charged to full! Brilliant. Why Nintendo would sell the chargers without wall mounting is beyond me.
📈 State of the Newsletter
Wow you got this far, that’s great! One of my goals is to be the type of person who helps people understand Engineering Management. I try to mentor managers 1:1, but my hope is that I can scale some of my learnings with this newsletter. The habit I’ll be focusing on to achieve that is to dedicate 30 minutes to writing every day even if I just sit there and stare at the cursor (30 is not a limit, but a minimum).
I’m not concerned about the About Me page, writing a good welcome email, getting to a certain subscriber count, or anything like that. I want it to have real tangible value for all my subscribers today, and everything else can come with time (or not). I suppose scaling does require reaching a wider audience, but again that can be focused on later.
We’re at 28 subscribers as of writing. That’s pretty neat! If you’ve enjoyed the content, please write me a comment. I am new to Substack, I don’t think it’s like Youtube where you trick the algorithm by getting lots of comments, I just want to connect with you. So reach out! I’m very friendly. I think…