The lie I keep telling is that I am kind.
I named my newsletter “Lead Kindly”, and I keep telling myself that I am kind, but it’s not true.
I can think of many moments where I choose the safe option (just being “nice”) instead of the kind option. Where I don’t give feedback because I don’t want to upset someone, even if my data could be helpful for them to grow.
It’s hard.
I want to be so good for everyone, and yet I find that I don’t always do the kind thing. It makes me feel like a fraud, because I also want people to like me. I want there to be no awkward moments or hurt feelings.
However, I want to challenge my belief that this is a lie.
While I have taken the safe—nice—option many times, this has become less and less true over time. I remind myself that it might be nice to spare someones feelings, but I also don’t get to decide how they feel, and the information/context I have could help them, and I deliver the hard feedback.
There are LinkedIn posts I don’t make because I’m afraid it will upset some people, but my most viral post with millions of impressions was because I didn’t listen to that voice. I took a stance and I said something many people didn’t agree with and that’s okay. They can handle hearing something they don’t like, and maybe they will learn something (or in many cases, leave a nasty comment, but that’s the internet for you I suppose).
I have been speaking up more in my personal relationships and giving people feedback when they ask for it. If you want me to tell you how you look in something, I will give you my opinion, and it’s not always going to be positive. But now you can trust me to give my true honest thoughts, if that’s what you want.
I have told my partners things that make them feel upset, or mad at me, and create an awkward atmosphere, but they always come back and we get to talk about it when the emotions have subsided. It wasn’t nice, but it was kind. It built trust. They understood where I stand, and we were able to move forward in a positive direction. Had I been nice and said nothing, they wouldn’t have known what I actually thought, potentially leading to conflict later, or increasing resentment.
Can I do better? For sure. I will always be working towards being more kind. That’s why I made Lead Kindly, because I want to be a kind leader first, even if it means dropping niceness. I still strive to be nice, but kind first.
So while writing for a publication that champions kindness can feel like a lie, I don’t think it’s actually a lie. I strive for kindness, and I work towards it every single day. What do you think?
So that is my journey, the transformation I strive for.
I want to be kind.
I want to tell you what I really think.
I want us to have an authentic relationship based on trust.
I don’t want to mask or pretend that I am someone I’m not so that you will like me.
I want to build a personal brand that is a true reflection of me, and who I want to be.
I am all about growth. I am all about kindness, even if I’m still learning.
Thank you for learning with me, and I hope I can continue to offer you insights into being a kind, empathetic, and confident leader.
Thank you for sharing.
I had a discussion about kindness / niceness with my mentor years ago.He introduced something I never thought about in my management style: fairness. Being fair allows you to add balance in the way you treat people.
I've been through some hard parts of the leadership: firing people, refusing them a promotion or a role change, giving them hard to hear feedback.
Most of the time, you want to be kind to avoid hurting them. And most of the time, it's about adding "I'm sorry", "It's not you but us", and going around in circles to avoid telling things the way they are.
Be direct and fair instead, so you let them time to get over these hard things, and let them leave the room with the impression you didn't bs... them.
Thanks for sharing! I think being kind and nice is our instinct in human interactions. It's also the best/safest option when being a leader.
However, as we get more experienced, there will be more emotions involved. We can be practical, strict, or condescending. If we look at the most successful leaders in the market, they are rarely associated with the idea of kindness. They are mostly visionary, strategic, and skillful. So I think being kind as an experienced leader is challenging. There's not much emphasis on it, but it has value, and it is easier to bring people together with kindness.